Even an adult, being in conditions of emotional violence, often can not repulse the offender - what can we say about adolescents. Some, like the heroine of our text, Zhenya, can solve the problem radically. What should a child do if everyone in the family is up against him? Says psychologist Svetlana Filyaeva.
Question. I am 16 years old, problems started in the family. The family consists of me, my younger brother (he is 7 years old), my mother and stepfather. All the housework is blamed on me, my brother is allowed to disrespect both me and my work. He can be rude to me, litter everywhere and not clean up after himself. To all my attempts to stop this and somehow force him to clean up after himself, he replies: “I'm not a cleaner here!” Or starts a tantrum. It all came to the point that I couldn’t say anything to my brother at all, they scolded me right away, and meanwhile my brother became more impudent. As mother and stepfather say: “Don’t forget his spirit, he’s a boy!” And this “boy”, meanwhile, does not understand at all how to behave in public places, with elders. Once he grabbed the scissors and hit me with them. I got it for this incident.
https://tr-static.eodev.com/files/dcb/21aca945d8f3ebf0bb3d00040876c312.pdf
Mom works hard and gets very tired, I understand. But she constantly humiliates me, and the humiliation has already become public. I constantly listen to how bad I am and what other parents have good children. Everything came to the point that we were either cursing, or mom was giving homework assignments.
Recently I began to notice a sharp deterioration in my condition when my mother comes home from work: the pulse sharply and strongly increases, shortness of breath begins, she shakes, she feels sick, and she is dizzy.
The stepfather almost does not work and is often at home. In a week he can spend only four hours at work, the rest of the time he lies on the couch and plays on the computer. For all four years I did not wait for any help around the house. He also does not miss a chance to yell at me or reproach me with something.
https://tr-static.eodev.com/files/d2a/f6e28bb0615cca77c320762fa335cfaa.pdf
I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I have almost no friends, because my mother doesn’t even let me go for a walk. I'm tired of being not respected, I'm tired of being responsible for everything, I'm tired of being accused of absolutely everything that you can imagine. What do I do with all this to be heard, I don’t know.
Answer. Unfortunately, the situation when the boundaries in the family are violated, there is no respect and contact, not uncommon. Under such conditions, it is very difficult for a teenager to create a personal space, to feel his individuality, to learn how to solve problems productively and to communicate with people.
Often parents themselves did not receive the experience of respecting themselves in childhood, did not receive support - and broadcast the usual way in communicating with their children and with each other. Sometimes there is no desire to change something, and sometimes there is a desire, but not enough knowledge, strength, courage.
The gender difference in the approach to education, the distribution of household duties, the expected behavior of a boy and a girl is one of the constant topics in consultations in the practice of psychologists. Attitudes and stereotypes in the story that is described in this family work not only with respect to the daughter, but also to the mother - pay attention to this. Everyone in this family needs help - both adults and children.
https://tr-static.eodev.com/files/d5e/c90593279aeb2e02db55f39ffc08479c.pdf
Read also:
“Boys are better at math, and girls are tidier”
I advise the author of the letter not to give up, to continue to look for allies. You very clearly felt the toxicity of relationships in a family where borders are violated, this is not just a teenage riot, characteristic of age.
First tip. Try to talk with your mother outside the walls of the house, where she is in the usual role and under the attentive gaze of her husband, who expects her to behave accordingly. You can arrange a meeting in a cafe, go to the cinema or even just buy something together necessary for a home, wardrobe, school classes.
It is possible that mom herself is in the grip of her role, suffered from abuse in childhood, and now does not know how to change, and is afraid to lose her spouse
It’s better to prepare for the conversation - write a list of household chores that you can do, and those that other family members should do.
https://tr-static.eodev.com/files/d8f/08e80a3c836cef47ba41413cbc7fedae.pdf
If you can’t get in direct contact, you can write a letter to your parents or one of the family members - to tell about your feelings, about what you are grateful for, and what causes anger and resentment, to say that you need love, support , attention, and what changes are you waiting for. Communication in correspondence removes the emotional stress that is characteristic of a lively dialogue.
Second tip. The older sister should talk with her younger brother without the mediation of her parents. Ask for help, praise, play together, share books, discuss school, life stories. The child responds to what adults expect from him, and if it is broadcast what the boy should be, what he does and what he does not, the rudeness and trampling by someone in the family is encouraged, then he simply runs this program. Warm and interested communication with your sister can provide an alternative and develop other qualities.
Third tip. Books will help the teenager keep their boundaries, even internal, in a situation of external pressure.
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