Older children are often confident that parents pay more attention to younger children, who are always right in disputes. What to do to a child in such a difficult situation, says family psychologist and body-oriented psychotherapist Ksenia Gerchikova.
Question. In the family we have two children, I am the eldest. When my sister lifts me up, I tell mom. And you know what she does? Of course, nothing! I'm the eldest! Because of this, I often cry ... When I say something to my sister, I get it. Often I feel lonely. I understand this sounds silly, but I need help. Please tell me what to do!
Answer. An older child always has more responsibility. Of course, it’s very disappointing when your own sister lifts her up and her parents unfairly condemn. Almost all people sometimes feel lonely, and this is not stupid at all. When close people do not understand or do not trust you, it is quite natural to be sad and angry. But you need to remember that even if your parents sometimes incorrectly assess the situation, they really love you and want you to be happy.
Talk to them: it is important that they know about your feelings so that they can understand and help. If you worry that your mother does not pay enough attention to you, ask her sometimes to spend the same time with you at some activity that both of you like.
It is natural for children to quarrel because they learn to communicate and make friends. The younger the child, the more difficult it is for him to overcome his egocentric position in order to understand the other and agree.
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Entering a conflict, children receive the necessary life experience, so they scream, resent and even fight. It is more often more difficult for brothers and sisters than just peers because they are jealous of their parents and are fighting for their attention.
Mom and dad can be loving, conscious and enlightened in matters of upbringing, but they cannot change the fact that the first child got more attention while he was alone.
Parents cannot change the fact that when the youngest was born and he needed all their attention, the older needed it too
Siblings may find it difficult to live in harmony and in connection with family conditions. If parents have little time that they can devote to children, money or space in the house, more goes to the youngest, the sickest, the most demanding ... The one who “wins”.
Children may be held hostage to parental attitudes related to parenting. This can also provoke conflicts. For example, when the oldest child, the parents delegate part of their duties and rights regarding the younger. In this situation, the senior may be under the yoke of responsibility, which he can’t cope with.
Read also:
10 simple rules for ending enmity between children
Sometimes parents themselves provoke rivalry between children, consciously or not. For example, they are compared with each other, extol the abilities or achievements of one of the siblings, or “rewarded” with attention and recognition for a certain behavior.
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Quite often it happens that parents, being in a prolonged conflict, involuntarily or knowingly drag their children into marital relations, and then the children quarrel, supporting the chosen side.
Finally, children can be difficult with each other in the same space if they do not substantially coincide in temperament, speed, strength of the nervous system or character traits.
What parents can do:
It is more common to talk with children about their (and their own) feelings that cause situations of interaction.
Recognize and be able to adequately express their feelings in order to cope with them and negotiate with loved ones.
Regularly find time for close communication in private with a child who feels deprived of attention.
Make together with the children a few clear rules of interaction with which everyone agrees, and help them to adhere.
Introduce daily rituals for the whole family, which will help children feel that parents notice and appreciate each of them.
Come up with some fun games with rules that allow children to show rivalry and anger in a socially acceptable way.
Distribute the space in the house so that each child has a personal space and a place for their things.
Seek help from a psychologist.
It’s usually impossible for the child to independently hear his parents to hear him, if the family situation is such that they no longer hear him systematically. Children most often find a way (not always healthy) to gain attention, and sometimes understanding. But in general, it is the responsibility of the parents to hear the child and make him understand that he is heard.
If the parents and the child have difficulties in the relationship, which happens very often in the lives of adolescents, it’s great when there is someone else who is “neutral”. A person who has a positive attitude and who has life experience with whom the child can talk: grandparents, aunts, godfathers, senior comrades, teachers or psychologists. It is important that this person does not dispute the authority and decisions of the parents and that he enjoys
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