Children, using the example of their parents, learn to build further relationships, experience difficult situations and come to terms with them. When a family divorces, a crisis occurs in this perception. What to do to parents and how to talk with a child about breaking up, says children's psychologist Olga Arkhipova.
Question: Hello! The son is 10 years old. Dad uses soft drugs, for this reason we broke up. The boy is very worried, reaches for dad, very bored. The school has problems, does not want to study. The teacher refuses to understand and to meet, believes that the child will not write VPR. Every day the child brings several deuces. I am shaking, I swear, and he has not the slightest desire to correct something!
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He began to leave to live with his father. The father does not control him, the child does nothing after school. Maybe spend a week like that. Dad thinks something happened. Explains to him that he needs to study, pays for a tutor. What to do? I'm desperate.
Answer: The reason for the decline in school performance of the son is not his unwillingness to study, but the divorce of his parents. The boy thus draws attention to himself, to his experiences, trying to reconcile his parents, to restore his family.
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Divorce for children is most often a surprise, leading to prolonged stress. The separation of parents is a tragedy for them, because the habitat is being destroyed. Therefore, children not only are very worried, they want their mother and father to be together, as before. Someone starts to get sick, someone's behavior is disturbed, and the child cannot be recognized: they can be rude, rude, and someone's academic performance is reduced.
All this attracts the attention of both parents, they begin to communicate, think what to do. Sometimes such situations lead to reconciliation. As soon as the parents converge, the problems with the child cease.
If the decision of the parents is firm and final, they decided to live separately, then first they need to talk to each other. Discuss what they will tell their son about their decision, where and with whom he will live. How, when and how much he will communicate with the second parent. At 10 years old, the child is able to understand a lot and you can already agree with him.
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He has a difficult age ahead, and if parents do not want more serious problems than studying, we must agree now, given his interests
The son wants to see his parents together, which means that you can periodically get together with the whole family.
Regarding studies, it is better to discuss your requirements for your son in advance: how he should study, how much to do and how much time to devote to homework, whether he should go to a tutor, how much time you can sit on the phone. It is important to determine a specific time frame. Each of the parents must understand how he will control this.
Parents need to talk with their son together. To explain the situation, without any accusations against each other, what will now be like this: “We can sometimes spend time together. And your main duty is to study. ” In addition to studying, a child may have other things to do, for example, at home, especially if he had had them before.
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Read also:
“When mom and dad get divorced, the child will suffer anyway - this is inevitable”
It is important that both parents are interested not only in the child’s academic performance, but in everything that happens in his school and out of school, what kind of relations he has with his classmates, with whom he is friends. Do not scold or punish deuces, but calmly understand the reason for the grades and offer your help. Do not compare with other children, and more often remind the son of his successes.
An important condition for solving school problems is a trusting relationship between parents and the child. As well as emotional support, the optimal level of requirements and prohibitions and the absence of conflicts between parents over parenting. Good performance is also facilitated by the desire of parents to systematically communicate with the child, to know him better and be ready to help if necessary.
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