Why not discount their experiences on February 14

“Toxic”, “corrupting”, “not ours” - you can say anything about Valentine's Day, but the fact remains: for schoolchildren this holiday is important. And even for those who deny it, as it were. Family psychologist Marina Gogueva comments on these and other teenage reflections associated with February 14 and explains how to support a child during the Valentine's gathering season.

While Vitaly Milonov once again proposes to prohibit celebrating Valentine's Day in schools “due to its unnaturalness to the traditions of domestic culture and the potential danger to the harmonious development of the younger generation,” teenagers continue to joyfully exchange valentines: real ones, in social networks, in instant messengers, anywhere. Parents are either moved or insane no worse than the aforementioned deputy. What, they say, love in the 7th grade, you need to think about learning.
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“In our culture, it’s not very customary to talk about feelings and relationships between men and women, few of us have discussed these issues with our parents, and now we don’t know how to talk about love with children, we unconsciously avoid this topic,” says a family psychologist Marina Gogueva. It is this, in her opinion, that scares many adults on Valentine's Day: the topic of love, feelings, relationships, and sometimes sex becomes so noticeable that you can’t hide from it, and it’s not clear how to discuss it with your child. Hence the requirements - to ban, stop, not allow.

“Parents may be worried that such holidays and traditions may provoke their children into a romantic relationship before they are ready for them,” says the psychologist. But he emphasizes: it is not worthwhile to forbid the child to participate in the exchange of valentines, to ridicule or devalue his experiences. It is better, on the contrary, to pay attention to them and make this an occasion for a conversation on the topic of relations. What kind of experiences can there be? We understand together with our expert.
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“I have fewer valentines than all - it's a failure”

Today - not only on February 14, but generally year-round - we are all actually included in the endless exchange of “valentines” in social networks. We write a post and wait for likes, publish stories and wait for a fire, heart or applause to be sent to it. In general, we live in constant expectation of feedback from other people. And if we don’t get it, we can feel unnecessary, insignificant, losers.

But if husbands still do not represent such serious value for adults, then for a teenager who, in fact, spent his entire conscious life on social networks, not getting feedback - whether it's like on Instagram or a Valentine at school - means to earn a lot of stress. In such situations, children can seriously consider themselves losers.

Of course, ideally, you need to talk about all this with children before adolescence. It is important to explain that people are different, everyone has their own preferences, no one is obliged to like absolutely everyone.

Read also:

Five insulting mistakes made by parents of a teenager in love
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If a child needs support here and now, because no one sent him a Valentine and he is sad, it can be explained that sympathy does not always coincide, this is normal, this happens in adulthood. Moreover, it may be that his “Valentine” is simply embarrassed to send a confession, is afraid not to receive reciprocity. You can discuss those guys who got the most valentines: how did they succeed, what needs to be done (and whether?). In general, the main thing is not to brush it off, not to call the child’s feelings about the holiday stupid (especially if he himself initiates this conversation).

“I'm embarrassed to send a Valentine to someone I really like”

You can talk with your child about what the consequences of this may be. Get ridicule instead of reciprocity? Alas, this is real: let's say a girl sends a confession to the boy, and he tells everyone about it and will tease her for a long time. For a child, this can be a blow.
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What to do? For example, offer to send similar valentines to several respondents at once. The text in each may be original, but declaration of love is not necessary at all. It’s better to build bridges and create the ground for further communication. Say, to make some kind of simple and unexpected compliment like: "Vasya, you have cool sneakers," "Dima, I appreciate your sense of humor." Something neutral so that in the future it would be possible to establish contact with a person (and in the case of an ignore player, not to feel stupid).

“I sent a Valentine one who does not like at all. So what's now?"

It is important to explain to the child that it is important to respond to any polite sign of attention, not to hide, not to pretend as if nothing had happened. Someone is disposed towards you, but you are not very nice to him - it happens, there’s nothing wrong with that. Attention does not oblige you to anything, you can not be rude, do not ignore, but simply say: “Thank you. I am very pleased". This does not mean that you must now be together.