What to do if a teenager treats everything irresponsibly?

Question. My son (12 years old) is completely irresponsible about everything: to lessons, to cleanliness, to money, to my requests. I often began to break. He reacts sharply to my raised and formidable voice, but at the same time nothing changes. I explain, and he knows that I will get angry, but will do nothing. Tired of it.
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Answer. In such a situation, it is important to understand that responsibility lies with both members of the family. All adolescents want to be adults, but are often not ready to perform related responsibilities. Therefore, it is worth involving a teenager in a dialogue that will allow the parent to convey his position to him and help shape the thinking of an adult. This is best done in a playful way that involves three main steps.

Step 1. Exchange of views
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The child and the parent create a list where you need to list each other's responsibilities. For example, cleaning the room, taking out the garbage, studying at school. It is interesting that often in the field of vision are moments that you might not have noticed before, and vice versa: your workload becomes obvious to the child. This step leads family members to mutual empathy and helps to look differently at how much mom and son are responsible.

Step 2. Contract
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Now you have to come up with one new thing that you can complete in the coming week. It would be great if it would be a kind of family ritual that unites all the households. The main condition is to coordinate it and fulfill it together. For example, on Saturday we cook dinner, each - our own dish. Be patient - no need to implement everything at once! It is important for the parent to communicate with the child as a partner, emphasizing the importance of his opinion and instilling the understanding that the adult's position is much more serious than he thinks.
The format of moralizing in a conversation with a teenager is unacceptable. It will only provoke a new wave of misunderstanding and reduce confidence in you. This is a long way, but you need to remember that before you is a person who has everything in his opinion.

Step 3. Expression of emotions
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A mother who knows how to control her emotions is the best example of behavior in the eyes of a child. It is important to learn how to pronounce and redirect negative emotions in a neutral way, so as not to break down on loved ones. Thus, adults gently teach a teenager to show feelings and not be ashamed of them. You can achieve this by timely voicing your experiences (“I’m annoyed,” “I’m saddened by the fact that ...”) or by doing business (for example, cleaning, clearing the space) instead of inciting another scandal, and it’s even better to choose a technique that works with the psychologist for you.